one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
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