mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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