Betty ford says i'm here all night
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
