so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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