Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
