I have demons in me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
