I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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