I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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