I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
