i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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