So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
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He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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