i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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