My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
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Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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