I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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