Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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