apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
