I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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