I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
