the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
