Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
