Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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