I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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