coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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