Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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