i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just cropdusted the office
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
