Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
