I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
