so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
