Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
