Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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