i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
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I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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