I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
