so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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