I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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