I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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