I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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