this beer tastes like vomit already
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
