he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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