I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
