He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
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Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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