now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
