Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
