i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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