I wanna bring you to show and tell
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize