I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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