Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
