I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
