the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
