Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
