Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
