I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
