I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
