my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
