Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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