k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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