worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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