Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Houston, we have a blender
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.