I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.