she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going