The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
